When feelings don't follow a timetable
A date can take you back to a place you thought you'd moved forward from.
A birthday. An anniversary. A date that marks something that happened.
Sometimes you know a particular day is going to be difficult. You might even prepare yourself for how you think you’re going to feel.
Then there are the days we believe will be difficult, but they don’t always sting in the way we expect them to.
And sometimes it doesn't even need to be a specific date.
Often, the days that catch us off guard are the ones we didn’t see coming. There's no warning. No particular reason. It just happens. At least, that's how it may feel.
In all these moments, things that probably seem completely ordinary to everyone else can feel very different to you.
When absence feels very present
You might be genuinely happy for someone at their wedding while something about the day brings your own loss to the surface.
You might hear that someone is expecting a baby and feel enormous happiness for them, alongside sadness for something you've lost, or something you never had.
You can experience more than one feeling at the same time.
And it's not always about bereavement.
Sometimes it's about something that has changed in our lives.
Perhaps you left a job you didn't want to leave. You might genuinely celebrate when former colleagues are promoted or when something good happens for the organisation, while also feeling a pang because you're no longer part of it.
You can be happy for them and still wish things had worked out differently for you.
A photograph. An announcement. A conversation. A familiar place.
Something completely ordinary can make an absence feel very present.
We don't always know what will affect us.
And we don't always respond in the way we expected to.
Perhaps that's why it can be unhelpful to expect ourselves, or other people, to respond in a particular way.
You might think someone will find a particular day difficult. It might not affect them in the way you expected. You might think they will want to talk about it, but they may not.
They might seem completely fine and carry on as usual, while privately finding things much harder than anyone around them realises.
Sometimes we only see a small part of what someone is carrying.
Sometimes the person is right there in front of us, but their world has changed.
We can’t always know what someone else is thinking or feeling. And perhaps that’s important to remember when we're supporting someone else.
We don't necessarily know what's going on inside someone simply because we know what has happened.
We might recognise the situation. We might have experienced something similar ourselves. We might even think we know how we'd feel.
But we don't.
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is make a little space.
Be aware that a particular day might be difficult, without deciding that it will be.
Notice when someone might need a little more understanding, without making assumptions about what they need.
And remember that feelings don't always follow a timetable.
This can be particularly important at work.
A colleague might be going through something difficult, and the people around them may know about it.
They might want to say something but worry about making things awkward. Perhaps they’re afraid of reminding the person of something they’d rather not think about. Or they might think that by not mentioning it, they’re giving the person space.
That might be exactly what someone wants. But we can’t know that unless we give them the choice.
There doesn’t always need to be a big conversation, and there doesn’t always need to be a question.
Simply acknowledging that something difficult is happening can be enough.
Even something as simple as “I’m thinking of you today” doesn’t ask someone to explain anything. It simply lets them know that what they’re going through hasn’t gone unnoticed.
When we avoid mentioning something difficult, even with the best intentions, it can appear as though nothing has happened. And that can make the absence feel even more present.
Not because anyone has done anything wrong. Perhaps it’s because the people around them simply aren’t sure how to acknowledge it.
They might not want to talk about it at all. But they might appreciate knowing that the door is open.
Some days take us by surprise.
Some are difficult when we expected them to be.
Some aren't.
Sometimes we feel two completely different things at once.
And sometimes, someone who isn't there can suddenly feel very present again.
We don't always need to know what to say. Sometimes it's enough to let someone know that they don’t have to explain.